New And Old Things That Are Or Are Not Real

DO YOU KNOW XENU?

2005-03-31T00:14:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time (75 million years ago to be more precise) there was an alien galactic ruler named Xenu. Xenu was in charge of all the planets in this part of the galaxy including our own planet Earth, except in those days it was called Teegeeack.

Now Xenu had a problem. All of the 76 planets he controlled were overpopulated. Each planet had on average 178 billion people. He wanted to get rid of all the overpopulation so he had a plan.

Xenu took over complete control with the help of renegades to defeat the good people and the Loyal Officers. Then with the help of psychiatrists he called in billions of people for income tax inspections where they were instead given injections of alcohol and glycol mixed to paralyse them. Then they were put into space planes that looked exactly like DC8s (except they had rocket motors instead of propellers).

These DC8 space planes then flew to planet Earth where the paralysed people were stacked around the bases of volcanoes in their hundreds of billions. When they had finished stacking them around then H-bombs were lowered into the volcanoes. Xenu then detonated all the H-bombs at the same time and everyone was killed.

The story doesn't end there though. Since everyone has a soul (called a "thetan" in this story) then you have to trick souls into not coming back again. So while the hundreds of billions of souls were being blown around by the nuclear winds he had special electronic traps that caught all the souls in electronic beams (the electronic beams were sticky like fly-paper).

After he had captured all these souls he had them packed into boxes and taken to a few huge cinemas. There all the souls had to spend days watching special 3D motion pictures that told them what life should be like and many confusing things. In this film they were shown false pictures and told they were God, The Devil and Christ. In the story this process is called "implanting".

When the films ended and the souls left the cinema these souls started to stick together because since they had all seen the same film they thought they were the same people. They clustered in groups of a few thousand. Now because there were only a few living bodies left they stayed as clusters and inhabited these bodies.

As for Xenu, the Loyal Officers finally overthrew him and they locked him away in a mountain on one of the planets. He is kept in by a force-field powered by an eternal battery and Xenu is still alive today.

2005-03-24T22:58:00.000-08:00

Pirate Compensation

2005-03-15T14:25:00.000-08:00

2005-02-25T16:49:00.000-08:00

How did Skeletor get so yolked? There must be a sweet weight room up in Snake Mountain.

2005-02-21T15:02:00.000-08:00

2005-02-04T20:22:00.000-08:00

The other day this guy walked up to me and told me he was giving me his ipod. The only problem was that it was on top of a nearby telephone pole, and I had to get it down before I could use it. I walked over to the pole and shook it. The ipod didn't fall. I tried to climb up to it, but I kept sliding back down. I threw a few rocks trying to dislodge the device (and hopefully catch it on the way down) but it was stuck. I tried everything I could think of to get my hands on that elusive ipod but I failed every time, and honestly I wasn't even close. I turned to the guy:
"Hey, why the hell did you give it to me if I can't have it?"
"You can have it anytime you want, but it requires hard work and you're too lazy," he replied.
"That's ridiculous," I said, "I have been working my ass off, but I'm simply not capable of reaching it."
"Then you must be on drugs or stupid because you can reach up there with ease...that's how I got mine," he said.
We continued to exchange words, and as we did so I became enraged. He continued to taunt me and I reached my breaking point. I walked over, looked him square in the face and said, "Without me and others like me, you would be nothing."
Then I reached out to snap his neck, but he was already dead. The telephone pole crumbled to dust and the ipod fell into my hands.

2005-02-01T20:11:00.000-08:00

Today I found out about television. I watched it for 15 straight hours. Then I found out about volume and I turned the sound on. The screen-sized face looked at me all night, despite my vulgar gestures. I know he can see me. If I were in the TV I would talk about different things, like how I can't find my keys and how I fell down the other day. The were laughing at me until I grabbed one of them and slammed her head into the curb until blood was shooting out of her ears. I heard she didn't die. I didn't die either, though not for lack of trying. One day it will be a true statement when I say to myself "tomorrow I will be dead," and when that day comes I will turn off my TV.

2005-01-31T01:44:00.000-08:00

Everyone moved out of my apartment and I don't really care. Satan pitchforked up from hell and we hung out for a while. We played Jenga. He won.

After my shower I looked out the window and saw a dog. The dog had a very large penis. The other window was broken.

I made some tea a little later. It was some flavor and I saw this other thing on the counter.

The phone rang and I dropped it. It stopped ringing and it hasn't rung since.

There's a plate that spins around in my microwave when I'm cooking something. The microwave doesn't turn on when my head is inside it because the door is open.

I had a thought and then another. Then I noticed that all of my plates are different.

If I had binoculars I could watch that girl change. It turns out it's a guy, but I still don't have binoculars.

I can go to a bar if I feel like it. I go in and put my coat on the rack. I leave and never go back.

2005-01-26T15:27:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamt I was parachuting. My parachute didn't open and I rushed headlong to my death.

2005-01-18T01:39:00.000-08:00

I was cutting my hair yesterday and I as I went up the back of my head, the scissors kept going! They lifted me off the ground and I could see my feet hanging in the air. The whole process kind of hurt my shoulder but I was interesting in finding out where I was going.

Oh no! A magnificent sparrow floats above me! Look out, friend sparrow! I can't stop the chopping shears! That was close, but I missed.

I turns out I came to rest on the couch in the apartment upstairs. My landlord was there, chilling with his bitch. They were watching Regis. Then I was in the TV seeing them stare back at me. The scissors lifted me out of the television studio and into a chair in the office of the CEO. Outside the window, the washer fell to his death. Looking up at the building through his eyes as we hurtled towards the ground, I couldn't help but wonder: How is my haircut?

2005-01-11T01:59:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow when I wake up and roll out of bed I may decide to walk to the store. Maybe I will purchase a cup of coffee on my way back. Maybe I'll give a quarter to a homeless person. Looking back over my shoulder as I walk away I could see him stumble into the street and get run over by a truck, or simply keel over and die. I could die as well. If that were to happen, perhaps I could be free of indecision and pain. Maybe I could see my hand in front of my face and hear my footsteps. Perhaps the cold weather will only penetrate skin deep, and my coat will be unnecessary. What if I'm able to smile without feeling embarrassed and slap my friends on the back and express my feelings and create rapport and feel loved and really care and have dreams and accomplish goals and be fulfilled and comfortable and not worry about anything and have warmth in my existence and communicate with my loved ones and be honest with myself and satisfy my wanderlust and make decisions based on feelings rather than logic and have talent and command respect and inspire people, including myself? What if all those things happen and I keep on feeling like I do now? The only way to insure against the utter despair and hopelessness of that possibility...

Tomorrow when I wake up and roll out of bed I may decide to roll right back in.

Horse wind

2005-01-03T01:08:00.000-08:00

As I sit here typing, a cold wind blows in from my window. The understanding whisper licks my ear, and a man appears. We warmly embrace. As we separate and smile at each other, his head transforms into that of a horse. I feed him a sugar cube and he is happy and I am happy. I feed him another sugar cube. He seems to grow restless, so I feed him another. Faster and faster, cube after cube my fingers become raw and begin to bleed. As the last cube enters his mouth, my strength is gone and I collapse. Several minutes pass, and finally he speaks: “Do not look me in the eye, and never believe I come in peace.” Laughter overtakes me as I plunge a knife into my chest.

A trip to the movies

2004-12-29T02:28:00.000-08:00

I'm going to a movie and I just found the theatre. Making my way into the parking garage, all the spaces seem to be taken up. I have to wind in a circle to make it to the second floor, but before I do, I dump some cold coffee out of my window and throw the cup on the passenger seat. Second floor, no spaces and I circle around again. Third floor; no spaces, circle and I start to get dizzy. Nothing on the fourth floor and my ear catches the song on the radio: "You're the only one who's got your back..." Something in the music strikes me and a tear rolls down my cheek. By the time I reach the fifth I am sobbing and my vision is blurred. There are no parking spaces here but I'm sure there will be on the next level. I have a feeling about this one. I turn the corner and start to feel faint...nowhere to park. I can barely see in front of me and my head is spinning. I feel nauseous and I can barely sit up. The car slows to a crawl as I round corner after corner, climbing higher and higher. With my last ounce of strength I see an opening by the wall in front of me. As I turn the wheel towards the end, the door falls open and I tumble out; and land directly on cold, familiar coffee-stained concrete. Looking up, I see my car glide smoothly into the parking space.

A Christmas miracle

2004-12-26T23:15:00.000-08:00

The 101-year-old woman in the passenger seat of my car was my great aunt Deirdre. I was assigned the task of taking her home after christmas dinner. I never realized she lived this far away. In fact, every meter we travelled added two meters in front of us, and the air became as thick as molasses. As the accelerator got closer to the floor, Deirdre's skin became syrupy and discolored. By the time we reached her house she had fallen into a coma, and by the time we reached the front door, she was dead. Driving back to my house I thought of her, and when I reached it she was there, holding my tomb open for me. I climbed inside and gently set myself down. As my eyes closed, the last sound I would ever hear became the closing of a coffin door.